Dear Ms. Los Angeles, Greater Metropolitan Area,
Are you mad at me? Did some unsavory or irresponsible and untoward action of mine cause a reaction of ill will amongst us? Have I wronged you in some way? I was just wondering because you seem to have a way of snubbing me when we chance to meet on the sidewalks. Furthermore, you even fail to grant me ample room to pass when I beg a pardon in tight spaces. What did I do to you? Whatever it is, I am very sure that I am very sorry and I shall not let it happen again. It is my full intention to return to your good graces as soon as humanly possible (though I sometimes get the feeling that I was never really in your good graces in the first place!).
I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what I could have done to piss you off. Did I see you and not say “hello” at So-and-so’s party. Or -oh dear - did I not say “good-bye” when I left? The reason I ask is that you seem to be pretty pissed off all of the time and I’m wondering what I can do to ease your burden. I try to catch your eye so I can offer a nod of acknowledgment or a smile of good will, but you turn your gaze elsewhere. Are your feet tired from treading the streets all day long? Can I offer you a soothing foot rub? Will that do the trick? Or maybe you’re short on cash this week; in which case don’t be afraid to ask for a twentyspot. I’m unemployed, but I know you’re good for it ; )
Perhaps my very existence is an inconvenience to you. Maybe my personal being just gets on your damned nerves. Do I take up too much of the space that you consider to be solely your own? It would seem so, given your penchant for drinking beer on the street corner and then occasionally relieving yourself in the gutter, right in my path when I come your way.
I feel very bad that things have taken such a sour turn. I acknowledge that our relationship has been tumultuous at times, but we’ve known each other for a while now and I feel like we should be coming around and getting used to each other. We have to rely on one another because, after all, we’re all we’ve got (or some such patronizing nonsense).
Well, I said really all I had to say. The ball is in your court, so to speak. All I ask is that next time you see me on the street, don’t be afraid to exchange a quick glance or even risk a “hello” or – and I know this is crazy – maybe (gulp!) flash a smile. You might be surprised at the result. I think in the end, you and I could end up being pretty good friends. If only you cared about me as much as I care about you. Please consider what I have said.
Thanks for your time.
Your concerned pal,