Monday, March 13, 2006

Scientology Sincerest

Late in the game, I know. I don't know why I never posted this.


I've always wanted to write something about Scientology, but to be honest, I don't have anything original or interesting to say about it. Sure, they've supposedly got an air force and are waiting for an alien invasion or something. But I don't know enough about it to comment on it. However, a Google search will reveal a few comprehensive articles about Scientology that reveal the seedier elements, if that's your interest.

Why am I thinking about Scientology? Well, for one, The Scientology Center is right down the street from me on L. Ron Hubbard Drive. Do you think it's a coincidence that L. Ron Hubbard's church ended up on a street named after him.

That was a joke by the way.

The other reason I'm thinking about Scientology is because of John Travolta and insincere actors in general. I know it's a little late, but in watching the Academy Awards, I couldn't help but notice that whenever John Travolta's face graced my television set, he was each time upstaged by his own hair. Dude was wearing a rug. Not a toupe, either. A straight up rug. Like that sketch from the movie Amazon Women on the Moon with Joey Pants where he's selling carpet that you wear on your head. That's how fake his shit looks.

At one point, Travolta (or Revolta as I've heard my sister call him) got up to address the crowd in presenting an award or something. It was then that I quickly analyzed my decade or so long deep seated dislike for him. In all that time, I knew I didn't like him, but I didn't know why. I mean, he's just a guy. All right, he's an actor-guy, but he's still only human. Suddenly though, I had a Travolta-epiphany. John Travolta is that rare breed of actor who is even less sincere as a "real-life" personality than he is as a character in films.

Granted, one can't really look to John Travolta for examples of great thespian achievements. We all know he's made a lot of bad movies, so I don't fault him for that. Well, maybe I do, but not when it comes to his public persona. After all, he was kick-ass in Pulp Fiction and Welcome Back Kotter. He was also in Grease. I'll at least concede that.

But whenever I see interviews or similar clips on television, I find myself constantly on the offensive about his demeanor and his hair in particular. He has my scrutiny in common with his fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise, who until around a year ago actually seemed like a pretty cool guy. Now, he's a nutter.

Anyway - that hair! That hair! How do you expect your fans to believe that hair, Travolta? What are you thinking? Why can't actors just grow old? You look even more foolish with that fake hair than you think you do as an old, balding man. How insulting to the rest of America that you can just pretend you're not going bald, when you so clearly are. I saw Look Who's Talking AND Look Who's Talking, Too. (Not the third one, fool me once...or twice...) I knew you were on your way then. I know what a receding hairline looks like. But now, your hairline looks poised to join your eyebrows in an eyeball to asshole mat that goes down your back, jack.

These are the reasons America doesn't trust celebrity religion or politics. Why would anyone in there right mind take life cues from somebody who is so clearly in self-denial?

That's all I have to say...for now.