Wednesday, August 13, 2008

If You Can't Find Me, I Probably Left

I hate leaving.

Actually, hate is a pretty strong word, so allow me to rephrase: I fucking loathe leaving. It's not that I'm so sentimental that it's hard for me to say good-bye. Saying good-bye is easy if everybody lets you off the hook and you're able to just say, 'well, I'm off, bye.' But it's never that simple. Everybody wants to hug and shake hands and prolong the leaving moment as long as possible.

It's the awkward preamble to saying good-bye to people that I try to avoid most. I generally put people into two categories in regards to leaving: people I hug and people I don't. Nothing's more awkward than having to give or receive a hug because of the fear of someone feeling left out. I hereby give permission for you to not hug me when I leave if you don't want to. I won't take it personally. Just don't expect a hug from me and we're fine.

I'm the kind of guy who'd rather not go to a party just because I don't want to go through all of the drama of leaving. Sometimes I get the feeling that I have to get permission to leave. And there's always somebody who seems disappointed to by your departure. Why is that?

Even weirder than the weirdness that leaving implies is how weird I am about just trying to disappear myself. I've been known to vanish from places if I don't have the energy to say good-bye. I acknowledge that this is strange behavior. It's one of the few eccentricities I allow myself nowadays. The next day or even right when I get home, I will inevitably have to sort through numerous text messages and voice mails inquiring, "where did you go?".

I was drunk so I took off. Don't take it personally.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Everybody's A Failed Something

Things at which I am a failure:
  • Professional football, baseball and basketball
  • Lawyerin'
  • Comic book writing
  • Self-publishing
  • Careerism
  • Friendship
  • Minstrelsy
  • Poetry
  • Acting
  • Directing
  • Screenwriting
  • Table tennis (colloquially known as 'ping pong')
  • Foosball
  • Advertising copywriting
  • Plant care
  • unpacking my apartment in a timely fashion
  • dish-doing
  • cold-calling
  • caring about stuff that I don't care about, but should
  • dressing well
  • acting my age/aging my act
  • job interviews
  • dating
  • drawing class
  • registering to legally operate a motor vehicle in the state of California
  • forwarding my mail
  • eating healthy
  • not drinking so much god damned beer all the time
  • exercising regularly
  • completing this list

Monday, August 04, 2008

Top 10 (or so) Most Obvious Signs That You Are an Alcoholic

1.) You frequently attend AA meetings and are currently engaged in a twelve step program in an effort to accept sobriety as a way of life...hilarious!

2.) You have been charged with a number of moving violations while intoxicated, but none of them stem from driving a car.

3.) You overhear one of your many, many illegitimate children(s) quietly inquire, "Mommy, is daddy an alcoholic?" She softly responds, "Yes...the worst kind," then turns to the window, tears streaming down her face. AAAAND SCENE!

7.) You just blacked out for numbers 4, 5, and 6 of this list.

8.) You pass out in a different place every night - thousands of miles apart - but somehow manage to stumble all the way home each morning.

9.) Your favorite flavor of mouthwash is vomit.

10.) You don't do anything without getting drunk. And you don't do anything in the first place. And you're always drunk while not doing it.

11.) Because you think that if it goes to eleven, it's somehow funny. You have a shameless need to reference obvious jokes from 80's cult movies and you drink copious amounts of alcohol while doing so.

This post is an Instrumental