1.) You frequently attend AA meetings and are currently engaged in a twelve step program in an effort to accept sobriety as a way of life...hilarious!
2.) You have been charged with a number of moving violations while intoxicated, but none of them stem from driving a car.
3.) You overhear one of your many, many illegitimate children(s) quietly inquire, "Mommy, is daddy an alcoholic?" She softly responds, "Yes...the worst kind," then turns to the window, tears streaming down her face. AAAAND SCENE!
7.) You just blacked out for numbers 4, 5, and 6 of this list.
8.) You pass out in a different place every night - thousands of miles apart - but somehow manage to stumble all the way home each morning.
9.) Your favorite flavor of mouthwash is vomit.
10.) You don't do anything without getting drunk. And you don't do anything in the first place. And you're always drunk while not doing it.
11.) Because you think that if it goes to eleven, it's somehow funny. You have a shameless need to reference obvious jokes from 80's cult movies and you drink copious amounts of alcohol while doing so.